mIND gAMES

It's all in my head, really. All in your heads too.

This unstoppable urge to eat.

Really, I'm not even hungry. In fact, even when I'm stuffed to the point of bursting, I just want something else to taste and fondle and chew in my mouth. It's all in my head, this urge to EAT MORE, EAT MORE, EAT MORE!!!

Food is delicious!

Food is satisfying!

Food is great!

My tongue gloats. My stomach groans. And I cry.

I've gotten some things that might stave this hunger off. Cough drops are really nice at 15 cals each. The menthol in them is soothing and calming, they take forever to eat, and they suppress appetite. Nori seaweed is wonderful too. One whole package is only like... 30 calories? And as long as you don't shove whole sheets into your mouth at once, it lasts a long time too. I eat it bit by bit, and if you've ever eaten seaweed before you know it's hard to get it off the roof of your mouth and break it down into little bits. I make sure I chew it into a fine mush before I swallow, and those 30 cals can easily take me an hour. Raw onions are great because they're too spicy to just wolf down, but they're tasty in little nibbles. And practically no calories too. Finally, an old staple, frozen grapes. It's even better because these grapes are supposed to be split between everybody at this apartment -- 5 people! I'd feel guilty conning my friends if I ate them all. I also got some raisins as treats for my rabbit, but a few of them will usually stave off a candy binge since they're so sugary, yet not as high-cal as a Snickers.

In other news, I signed up for the school's health program that they're holding. The concept is to exercise and develop mental awareness each day through tracking points. 15 minutes of exercise = 1 point, 1/2 hour of mental development = 1 point. You can earn a maximum of 5 points for exercise and 1 point for mental development a day. At the end of the quarter, you can exchange those points for raffle tickets and hope to win a bunch of prizes, like bikes and iPods.

I exercise with my boyfriend, since he is pretty much the buff fitness expert. Except he's been lazy the past few days and played video games instead of doing his homework or go running with me! I don't get how I can make room with homework, exercise, AND video games, but he can't seem to buckle down and do anything on time. Well, he is still excellent at pushing me further and harder, when we actually do go out. I love having a fitness buddy <3

(Although, I have to say sometimes him being so athletic and all that makes me slightly upset. Nix that, VERY upset. A couple of girls the other day giggled to his roommate that they thought he was a hottie. Strangely, I didn't feel upset that other girls were interested in my man. What I was upset about was that nobody was interested in ME. Everybody has called me ugly and stupid for as long as I can remember, except for parents and grown-ups and my boyfriend, but DUH they're supposed to say that I'm attractive. I look in the mirror all the time now and think, "hey, she's not so bad looking." I mean, I was approached to become a model after all! But then I notice the rolls of fat around my waist, and my too-big nose, and my tendency to become hyper and flustered, and my disgusting stringy hair, and my tennis court of a forehead, and my unproportional legs... and then... it all goes to hell...)

Anyway, I am happy to report that I am now 122 lbs... I don't even know how it happened. I've been eating pretty normally the past few weeks. I got an hourly planner and I've been writing down everything I've eaten and estimated the calories. I cringe every time I look in it. For example, my worst meal this week was on Thursday. I ate CAKE, and CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS, and BROWNIES. My total came out to be 2000 calories that day. I'd need to be like 150 lbs to require that many calories a day!!!

I've decided this week will be a restricted eating week. I'll see what I have around the apartment to eat, and that's all I'll allow myself. It'll probably be something like cereal-fresh fruit-fresh veggies-raisins-one piece of bread-only on Monday, cut out bread Tuesday, cut out bread Wednesday, cut out cereal Thursday, etc.

I hope you are all doing well with your own plans, dears. Here's to a better week than last.

--Thinvincible

Clucking bell

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time.

I swear it wasn't my fault.

No, I lied, it is.

I don't know what happened. I've lost track of time.

I binged, a long time ago, and I binged again, now.

So, so stupid of me. I told myself, "Just one little bite." And then, there went the entire box. Then it was, "Just chew and spit it out." And then it was like some puppeteer had opened my throat and down all the food went, straight into the gullet, trapped forever until it was transmuted and added to the copious amounts of fat around my waist and thighs. And then it was "Well, eff this, you've effed up so badly, just go effing eat more, effing fat pig..."

Back to where I started, or at least thereabouts. I don't even want to weigh myself to check.

Why does there have to be so much damned food in this house?! Why does my mother accuse me of pigging out when all the packaged cereals and cookies and fast food and candies are so easily within reach, just sitting on the shelf or refrigerator waiting to be picked up and eaten? Why are all the vegetables hidden somewhere in a bag in the back of the fridge, so that if I actually want to eat a healthy lunch of carrots and mushrooms and lettuce and egg whites I have to dig around for it, ask repeatedly where it is, and then get yelled at for being irritating?

So unfair. Everything seems to be my fault.

I hate my fat. I wish it would just go away.

New plan to prepare for the binge-fest known as the We-Haven't-Seen-Each-Other-for-3-Weeks!!! Sushi Dinner with the Boyfriend when I return to school.

MUST. FAST. UNTIL. SCHOOL.

Nothing allowed except water and Coke Zero.

FLUSH EVERYTHING OUT.

MUST BE CLEAN AND BEAUTIFUL...

Done with the weekend fast -- results as follows:

That weekend fast was so clearing. It's so strange how actual grumblings and hunger pangs don't make me want to eat. It feels good. It feels like I'm clean, filled not with mushed-up food but with pure energy.

Saturday: ran to the park, intending on practicing some more free running. Unfortunately my arms were still sore from workouts before, so I swung across the monkey bars multiple times instead. Made me feel like a little kid again -- so full of energy, not a care in the world, scrawny and thin yet strong... I also vaulted over benches and tried some tic-tacs on the handball walls. I stopped when I tried a new jump and ended up tripping and bruising my shin. That led me to checking the time and realizing it was incredibly late, so I headed back home.

It was a good workout, and I dropped a pound.

Sunday: a bit tricky. My mom decided to schedule a luncheon with my grandma, aunt, and cousin's wife and kids. HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, FRIED CHINESE FOOD ALL AROUND! I chewed voracious mouthfuls, exclaiming that it was delicious, then discreetly spit it into my half-finished bowl of soup. More greedy bites, more spitting into bowls and napkins and a trip to the bathroom to empty out a particularly oily morsel. Almost bulimia, but not quite. The food was very satisfying despite never having reached my stomach. My grandma and aunt were saying things like "Oh, are you on a diet? You are getting too skinny! I can see your collarbones!" I laughed politely, but it was a secret laugh in their faces. You are supposed to see collarbones in healthy-weight people! And yes, I am on a diet, but you don't know anything about it, do you? And no, I am not getting too skinny. Not skinny enough. Not even close!

Then, horror of horrors, a fancy Christmas cake that the cousin's wife had bought was brought out. It was covered in buttercream and chocolate and other sickeningly sweet confections. I took a slice like everybody else, put a bit in my mouth like everybody else. And unfortunately, as I chewed, nobody seemed to be looking away. I had to swallow that bite. And I felt like gagging, but what could I do? I swallowed it down, that disgusting chunk of fat, and smiled. And then I picked at the cake with a fork, laughing animatedly, and shoved the picked-at pieces into a napkin. Good riddance.

Felt terrible after that meal, and didn't weigh myself.

Today I was going to break my fast, and I intended to do that with an apple in the morning, but I didn't feel like ending that lovely feeling of clear-headed energy and emptiness. So I flounced off to Target with nothing more than water in my belly, giggling at my stomach's feeble growls. Then came the dreaded feeling of no-more-hunger. My stomach stops complaining and settles down, and then for some reason my fat begins to stick out prominently. It's like it decides to succumb to gravity and pool limply above the waistband of my jeans. Luckily I was wearing a sweater, otherwise my muffin top would have been embarrassingly prominent. I snooped around the makeup, decided that I needed some better concealer, some eyeliner, and an eyeshadow blending brush, so I took what I needed and left: Sonia Kashuk Hidden Agenda Concealer Palette, L'Oreal H.I.P. Kohl in Brown, and a Sonia Kashuk Crease Brush.

I walked down the block to the bookstore, intending on buying a journal. Nothing caught my eye except the new Moleskine Panoramic Planner, so I took that. I walked a little more to an office supply store and a nice square journal caught my eye. It was green, probably oilskin-bound. Too big to just take, so I paid for it. It was only about $6.50.

So, concealer, eyeliner, shadow brush, planner, and a journal for $6.50 total today. Not bad at all. Is it bad that I shoplift? Times are tough, and I still want to play. Those companies charge too much for their products anyway. If I had paid for everything like a good girl today, I would have paid... let's see, $10 for the concealer, $12 for the eyeliner, $7 for the brush, $15 for the planner, $6.50 for the journal. That's about $50 -- more than a lot of people make in a day! And these items are probably mass-produced in a factory in some developing country for fractions of a penny per item. I'll enjoy life my way, thanks.

And this all brings me to a current weight of 119+6 = 125 lbs. Huzzah, I dropped 4 lbs! Except that my jeans don't feel any looser, which makes me angry. I want slim legs, dammit!

I have decided to eat a yogurt now, since my stomach has stopped growling and I want to kick up my metabolism. Tomorrow I think I'll eat cabbage with mustard and 15 frozen grapes.

Good luck everyone on your own plans. Have a fabulous week preparing for Christmas. I know I'll be thinking of ways to avoid binging at parties myself.

-Thinvincible

Time for a weekend fast

So, I broke my no-food promise today since my mom decided to stay home. I ate more chocolates, as well as some chicken and yogurt. All tallied up it was about 1600 calories. I went to the park for about 2 hours to jog it off, but I was very sore from yesterday's exercises so it was mostly walking.

So, I hope that someone will join me for a weekend fast. Liquids only, not to exceed 500 calories a day. I plan to do no more than drink a glass of orange juice if I need it, and plenty of water. Vitamins allowed.

Who's with me? I'm available on AIM for chat (username: thinvincibility) as well as e-mail (thinvincible@gmail.com)

See you around!

Just give me a break...

So my mom gave me a box of chocolates today. See's Old Fashioned Candies, the one pound box type.

The chocolates were actually from my aunt. And they were given to me during Thanksgiving, so I would have a nice present to enjoy on my birthday while at school. I left it at home so I could avoid chocolate.

See, I absolutely love chocolate. Filled chocolates are my absolute favorite things in the world. My mom watched expectantly as I held the box. She didn't say it, but I knew she was waiting for me to eat it.

What could I do? I opened the box, ate a piece. She was still watching. Ate another piece. I felt sick already. Each piece was about 200 calories. I used to eat 10 at a time without flinching. She didn't seem to stop staring until I had downed 5. I felt dizzy and sick already, but I had to smile, thanks mom, sorry I forgot about it, it's really delicious, yep.

This was about 8 AM. I had pulled an all-nighter, so I conked out at around 9:30. And then I snoozed and snoozed until 4 (damn I love break). I figured I might as well just skip my meals for the rest of the day and night since it was so late already. I donned some running gear and ran to the park. I intended to crawl all over the playground, alone in the dark, so I wouldn't be too bored of exercising. There were patrols in there, though, so I had to go on to the elementary school. I ran into janitors there, so I continued to the middle school. I practiced some cats, vaults, and balancing until I felt dizzy. Then I wandered around, sketching a little, thinking a little, feeling queasy because of the memory of the calories, hating those calories, must run more, more, more...

Some rich middle-schoolers had left clothes on the lunch tables. A gray cardigan from A&F, size S. I put it on, surprised to find that it fit. Made my arms look positively skeletal. I kept it. Two scarves, also from A&F (what is with A&F and middle-schoolers?) I wrapped the cardigan in the scarves and put them underneath my arm as I began to head back. A cap hung from a branch in a nearby tree; I snatched it and continued to run.

So, two hours of running today and 4 stolen articles of clothing to make up for a box of chocolates and a forced dinner (yes, I had to eat some FRIED CHICKEN *gag* and fish and rice... couldn't be helped, hatehatehate). Seeing as how it is now Friday, I think I will fast until Sunday. Mom is usually out with her friends on the weekends and Dad assumes I eat on my own, so I will be safe.

Things to work on:

-arm strength

-thigh size

-pot belly

-food control

CW: 129 lbs.

Irony

I am fairly intelligent.

I read.

I follow news.

I know my statistics.

I am a college student.

I am concentrating in the biological and health sciences.

I am a neuroscience and behavior major.

I hope to minor in psychology as well.

Isn't it ironic that I have an eating disorder?

The Game

Dear FatVi,

This is the Game.

I will let you eat 5 times a day. I will make it easy to remember when you have to eat. 10 AM, 12 PM, 2 PM, 4 PM, and 6 PM. If you wake up late, you will skip all the meals beforehand. Your first meal will always be your gummy vitamins and water. Hurry up and finish those disgusting fattening candies so you can buy some real vitamins and diet pills for a change!

I'm sorry, ThinVi... you know I still depend on my parents...

Don't complain. I understand. You will be allowed 100 calories per meal. I am giving you a lot of leeway, lard-bucket. 100 calories gives you enough room for an apple and a carrot! Or 1 cup of yogurt! Or heck, even some of those disgusting sugar nuggets this culture calls healthy breakfast food. And I know you. You are not as fat as those nasty obese people out there. You can still feel full on apples and yogurt. You will be expected to decrease this to 50 calories per meal when you get better at controlling yourself. Then it's down to 3 meals a day, like a normal person should eat.

Do not binge. I strictly forbid you to binge. If you were better at purging I would allow some of it, but you absolutely stink at it. Or else you will become one of those nasty obese people and you will be a fatty who must eat a truck tire's worth of carbs a day to feel satiated.

You will run EVERY DAY, no exceptions. 1/2 an hour to start with, 10 minutes which will be of straight running (1 mile), because right now you are weak as a cup of skim milk. I eventually expect you to run 5 miles a day. Run to the library and check out a diet book.

Your arms are disgusting and flabby. You will do 20 pushups a day. You will practice cats.

Your abs are disgusting and flabby. You will do 50 each of crunches and leg lifts.

You have cankles. Run more.

I expect all of these exercises to increase to 150 by the end of break. Preferably more.

Don't be lazy any longer. I am here to motivate you, remember? You want to slip back into that beautiful slim dress of yours, don't you? You want to wear those sexy jeans again, don't you? You want your face to look sharp and elegant again, don't you?

Then listen to what I say.

Love,

ThinVi