mIND gAMES

It's all in my head, really. All in your heads too.

This unstoppable urge to eat.

Really, I'm not even hungry. In fact, even when I'm stuffed to the point of bursting, I just want something else to taste and fondle and chew in my mouth. It's all in my head, this urge to EAT MORE, EAT MORE, EAT MORE!!!

Food is delicious!

Food is satisfying!

Food is great!

My tongue gloats. My stomach groans. And I cry.

I've gotten some things that might stave this hunger off. Cough drops are really nice at 15 cals each. The menthol in them is soothing and calming, they take forever to eat, and they suppress appetite. Nori seaweed is wonderful too. One whole package is only like... 30 calories? And as long as you don't shove whole sheets into your mouth at once, it lasts a long time too. I eat it bit by bit, and if you've ever eaten seaweed before you know it's hard to get it off the roof of your mouth and break it down into little bits. I make sure I chew it into a fine mush before I swallow, and those 30 cals can easily take me an hour. Raw onions are great because they're too spicy to just wolf down, but they're tasty in little nibbles. And practically no calories too. Finally, an old staple, frozen grapes. It's even better because these grapes are supposed to be split between everybody at this apartment -- 5 people! I'd feel guilty conning my friends if I ate them all. I also got some raisins as treats for my rabbit, but a few of them will usually stave off a candy binge since they're so sugary, yet not as high-cal as a Snickers.

In other news, I signed up for the school's health program that they're holding. The concept is to exercise and develop mental awareness each day through tracking points. 15 minutes of exercise = 1 point, 1/2 hour of mental development = 1 point. You can earn a maximum of 5 points for exercise and 1 point for mental development a day. At the end of the quarter, you can exchange those points for raffle tickets and hope to win a bunch of prizes, like bikes and iPods.

I exercise with my boyfriend, since he is pretty much the buff fitness expert. Except he's been lazy the past few days and played video games instead of doing his homework or go running with me! I don't get how I can make room with homework, exercise, AND video games, but he can't seem to buckle down and do anything on time. Well, he is still excellent at pushing me further and harder, when we actually do go out. I love having a fitness buddy <3

(Although, I have to say sometimes him being so athletic and all that makes me slightly upset. Nix that, VERY upset. A couple of girls the other day giggled to his roommate that they thought he was a hottie. Strangely, I didn't feel upset that other girls were interested in my man. What I was upset about was that nobody was interested in ME. Everybody has called me ugly and stupid for as long as I can remember, except for parents and grown-ups and my boyfriend, but DUH they're supposed to say that I'm attractive. I look in the mirror all the time now and think, "hey, she's not so bad looking." I mean, I was approached to become a model after all! But then I notice the rolls of fat around my waist, and my too-big nose, and my tendency to become hyper and flustered, and my disgusting stringy hair, and my tennis court of a forehead, and my unproportional legs... and then... it all goes to hell...)

Anyway, I am happy to report that I am now 122 lbs... I don't even know how it happened. I've been eating pretty normally the past few weeks. I got an hourly planner and I've been writing down everything I've eaten and estimated the calories. I cringe every time I look in it. For example, my worst meal this week was on Thursday. I ate CAKE, and CHOCOLATE CROISSANTS, and BROWNIES. My total came out to be 2000 calories that day. I'd need to be like 150 lbs to require that many calories a day!!!

I've decided this week will be a restricted eating week. I'll see what I have around the apartment to eat, and that's all I'll allow myself. It'll probably be something like cereal-fresh fruit-fresh veggies-raisins-one piece of bread-only on Monday, cut out bread Tuesday, cut out bread Wednesday, cut out cereal Thursday, etc.

I hope you are all doing well with your own plans, dears. Here's to a better week than last.

--Thinvincible