Clucking bell

I'm sorry that I haven't posted in such a long time.

I swear it wasn't my fault.

No, I lied, it is.

I don't know what happened. I've lost track of time.

I binged, a long time ago, and I binged again, now.

So, so stupid of me. I told myself, "Just one little bite." And then, there went the entire box. Then it was, "Just chew and spit it out." And then it was like some puppeteer had opened my throat and down all the food went, straight into the gullet, trapped forever until it was transmuted and added to the copious amounts of fat around my waist and thighs. And then it was "Well, eff this, you've effed up so badly, just go effing eat more, effing fat pig..."

Back to where I started, or at least thereabouts. I don't even want to weigh myself to check.

Why does there have to be so much damned food in this house?! Why does my mother accuse me of pigging out when all the packaged cereals and cookies and fast food and candies are so easily within reach, just sitting on the shelf or refrigerator waiting to be picked up and eaten? Why are all the vegetables hidden somewhere in a bag in the back of the fridge, so that if I actually want to eat a healthy lunch of carrots and mushrooms and lettuce and egg whites I have to dig around for it, ask repeatedly where it is, and then get yelled at for being irritating?

So unfair. Everything seems to be my fault.

I hate my fat. I wish it would just go away.

New plan to prepare for the binge-fest known as the We-Haven't-Seen-Each-Other-for-3-Weeks!!! Sushi Dinner with the Boyfriend when I return to school.

MUST. FAST. UNTIL. SCHOOL.

Nothing allowed except water and Coke Zero.

FLUSH EVERYTHING OUT.

MUST BE CLEAN AND BEAUTIFUL...

Done with the weekend fast -- results as follows:

That weekend fast was so clearing. It's so strange how actual grumblings and hunger pangs don't make me want to eat. It feels good. It feels like I'm clean, filled not with mushed-up food but with pure energy.

Saturday: ran to the park, intending on practicing some more free running. Unfortunately my arms were still sore from workouts before, so I swung across the monkey bars multiple times instead. Made me feel like a little kid again -- so full of energy, not a care in the world, scrawny and thin yet strong... I also vaulted over benches and tried some tic-tacs on the handball walls. I stopped when I tried a new jump and ended up tripping and bruising my shin. That led me to checking the time and realizing it was incredibly late, so I headed back home.

It was a good workout, and I dropped a pound.

Sunday: a bit tricky. My mom decided to schedule a luncheon with my grandma, aunt, and cousin's wife and kids. HORRIBLE, DISGUSTING, FRIED CHINESE FOOD ALL AROUND! I chewed voracious mouthfuls, exclaiming that it was delicious, then discreetly spit it into my half-finished bowl of soup. More greedy bites, more spitting into bowls and napkins and a trip to the bathroom to empty out a particularly oily morsel. Almost bulimia, but not quite. The food was very satisfying despite never having reached my stomach. My grandma and aunt were saying things like "Oh, are you on a diet? You are getting too skinny! I can see your collarbones!" I laughed politely, but it was a secret laugh in their faces. You are supposed to see collarbones in healthy-weight people! And yes, I am on a diet, but you don't know anything about it, do you? And no, I am not getting too skinny. Not skinny enough. Not even close!

Then, horror of horrors, a fancy Christmas cake that the cousin's wife had bought was brought out. It was covered in buttercream and chocolate and other sickeningly sweet confections. I took a slice like everybody else, put a bit in my mouth like everybody else. And unfortunately, as I chewed, nobody seemed to be looking away. I had to swallow that bite. And I felt like gagging, but what could I do? I swallowed it down, that disgusting chunk of fat, and smiled. And then I picked at the cake with a fork, laughing animatedly, and shoved the picked-at pieces into a napkin. Good riddance.

Felt terrible after that meal, and didn't weigh myself.

Today I was going to break my fast, and I intended to do that with an apple in the morning, but I didn't feel like ending that lovely feeling of clear-headed energy and emptiness. So I flounced off to Target with nothing more than water in my belly, giggling at my stomach's feeble growls. Then came the dreaded feeling of no-more-hunger. My stomach stops complaining and settles down, and then for some reason my fat begins to stick out prominently. It's like it decides to succumb to gravity and pool limply above the waistband of my jeans. Luckily I was wearing a sweater, otherwise my muffin top would have been embarrassingly prominent. I snooped around the makeup, decided that I needed some better concealer, some eyeliner, and an eyeshadow blending brush, so I took what I needed and left: Sonia Kashuk Hidden Agenda Concealer Palette, L'Oreal H.I.P. Kohl in Brown, and a Sonia Kashuk Crease Brush.

I walked down the block to the bookstore, intending on buying a journal. Nothing caught my eye except the new Moleskine Panoramic Planner, so I took that. I walked a little more to an office supply store and a nice square journal caught my eye. It was green, probably oilskin-bound. Too big to just take, so I paid for it. It was only about $6.50.

So, concealer, eyeliner, shadow brush, planner, and a journal for $6.50 total today. Not bad at all. Is it bad that I shoplift? Times are tough, and I still want to play. Those companies charge too much for their products anyway. If I had paid for everything like a good girl today, I would have paid... let's see, $10 for the concealer, $12 for the eyeliner, $7 for the brush, $15 for the planner, $6.50 for the journal. That's about $50 -- more than a lot of people make in a day! And these items are probably mass-produced in a factory in some developing country for fractions of a penny per item. I'll enjoy life my way, thanks.

And this all brings me to a current weight of 119+6 = 125 lbs. Huzzah, I dropped 4 lbs! Except that my jeans don't feel any looser, which makes me angry. I want slim legs, dammit!

I have decided to eat a yogurt now, since my stomach has stopped growling and I want to kick up my metabolism. Tomorrow I think I'll eat cabbage with mustard and 15 frozen grapes.

Good luck everyone on your own plans. Have a fabulous week preparing for Christmas. I know I'll be thinking of ways to avoid binging at parties myself.

-Thinvincible

Time for a weekend fast

So, I broke my no-food promise today since my mom decided to stay home. I ate more chocolates, as well as some chicken and yogurt. All tallied up it was about 1600 calories. I went to the park for about 2 hours to jog it off, but I was very sore from yesterday's exercises so it was mostly walking.

So, I hope that someone will join me for a weekend fast. Liquids only, not to exceed 500 calories a day. I plan to do no more than drink a glass of orange juice if I need it, and plenty of water. Vitamins allowed.

Who's with me? I'm available on AIM for chat (username: thinvincibility) as well as e-mail (thinvincible@gmail.com)

See you around!

Just give me a break...

So my mom gave me a box of chocolates today. See's Old Fashioned Candies, the one pound box type.

The chocolates were actually from my aunt. And they were given to me during Thanksgiving, so I would have a nice present to enjoy on my birthday while at school. I left it at home so I could avoid chocolate.

See, I absolutely love chocolate. Filled chocolates are my absolute favorite things in the world. My mom watched expectantly as I held the box. She didn't say it, but I knew she was waiting for me to eat it.

What could I do? I opened the box, ate a piece. She was still watching. Ate another piece. I felt sick already. Each piece was about 200 calories. I used to eat 10 at a time without flinching. She didn't seem to stop staring until I had downed 5. I felt dizzy and sick already, but I had to smile, thanks mom, sorry I forgot about it, it's really delicious, yep.

This was about 8 AM. I had pulled an all-nighter, so I conked out at around 9:30. And then I snoozed and snoozed until 4 (damn I love break). I figured I might as well just skip my meals for the rest of the day and night since it was so late already. I donned some running gear and ran to the park. I intended to crawl all over the playground, alone in the dark, so I wouldn't be too bored of exercising. There were patrols in there, though, so I had to go on to the elementary school. I ran into janitors there, so I continued to the middle school. I practiced some cats, vaults, and balancing until I felt dizzy. Then I wandered around, sketching a little, thinking a little, feeling queasy because of the memory of the calories, hating those calories, must run more, more, more...

Some rich middle-schoolers had left clothes on the lunch tables. A gray cardigan from A&F, size S. I put it on, surprised to find that it fit. Made my arms look positively skeletal. I kept it. Two scarves, also from A&F (what is with A&F and middle-schoolers?) I wrapped the cardigan in the scarves and put them underneath my arm as I began to head back. A cap hung from a branch in a nearby tree; I snatched it and continued to run.

So, two hours of running today and 4 stolen articles of clothing to make up for a box of chocolates and a forced dinner (yes, I had to eat some FRIED CHICKEN *gag* and fish and rice... couldn't be helped, hatehatehate). Seeing as how it is now Friday, I think I will fast until Sunday. Mom is usually out with her friends on the weekends and Dad assumes I eat on my own, so I will be safe.

Things to work on:

-arm strength

-thigh size

-pot belly

-food control

CW: 129 lbs.

Irony

I am fairly intelligent.

I read.

I follow news.

I know my statistics.

I am a college student.

I am concentrating in the biological and health sciences.

I am a neuroscience and behavior major.

I hope to minor in psychology as well.

Isn't it ironic that I have an eating disorder?

The Game

Dear FatVi,

This is the Game.

I will let you eat 5 times a day. I will make it easy to remember when you have to eat. 10 AM, 12 PM, 2 PM, 4 PM, and 6 PM. If you wake up late, you will skip all the meals beforehand. Your first meal will always be your gummy vitamins and water. Hurry up and finish those disgusting fattening candies so you can buy some real vitamins and diet pills for a change!

I'm sorry, ThinVi... you know I still depend on my parents...

Don't complain. I understand. You will be allowed 100 calories per meal. I am giving you a lot of leeway, lard-bucket. 100 calories gives you enough room for an apple and a carrot! Or 1 cup of yogurt! Or heck, even some of those disgusting sugar nuggets this culture calls healthy breakfast food. And I know you. You are not as fat as those nasty obese people out there. You can still feel full on apples and yogurt. You will be expected to decrease this to 50 calories per meal when you get better at controlling yourself. Then it's down to 3 meals a day, like a normal person should eat.

Do not binge. I strictly forbid you to binge. If you were better at purging I would allow some of it, but you absolutely stink at it. Or else you will become one of those nasty obese people and you will be a fatty who must eat a truck tire's worth of carbs a day to feel satiated.

You will run EVERY DAY, no exceptions. 1/2 an hour to start with, 10 minutes which will be of straight running (1 mile), because right now you are weak as a cup of skim milk. I eventually expect you to run 5 miles a day. Run to the library and check out a diet book.

Your arms are disgusting and flabby. You will do 20 pushups a day. You will practice cats.

Your abs are disgusting and flabby. You will do 50 each of crunches and leg lifts.

You have cankles. Run more.

I expect all of these exercises to increase to 150 by the end of break. Preferably more.

Don't be lazy any longer. I am here to motivate you, remember? You want to slip back into that beautiful slim dress of yours, don't you? You want to wear those sexy jeans again, don't you? You want your face to look sharp and elegant again, don't you?

Then listen to what I say.

Love,

ThinVi

Learn from your mistakes... or not

Stupid me. Can't learn.

I was so proud of myself this morning, after having fasted all day yesterday. The scale stopped at 120 lbs and I couldn't believe it. Then it veered up slightly to 122 lbs. Still happy. Add 6 pounds onto that, which means I had dropped anywhere from 2-4 pounds in 24 hours.

I woke up very late and decided I would have 1 meal at 6 PM, a bowl of veggie soup. The chicken soup I had intended to make failed miserably due to a row I got in with my mom. Needless to say that fight left me very depressed, with my self-esteem at an all time low. I slept at 4 AM, hence why I woke up so late. Now I digress, so back to the soup. It was very plain and not cooked enough, but I needed to eat something so as to not arouse suspicion.

A few hours later I had a serious craving for Froot Loops. I read the nutrition facts carefully. 110 calories for 1 cup. I could live with that. I carefully measured out a single cup, carried it back to my room. Picked up a piece, ate it in 3 bites. Picked up the next piece, ate it just as slowly. Continue until gone.

And then, once more, I couldn't help myself. I calmly got up and took the entire box of Froot Loops and quietly ate through it all. Then I returned to the kitchen, picked up a can of peanuts, and opened it to find not peanuts but chocolate-covered almonds. I ate half of that, not even tasting it. Then back to the kitchen, picking up two lu dan (a type of boiled egg, Chinese style) from a pot of them that my mom had cooked and shoved them into my mouth. I was already full from the Froot Loops, but I wanted to make myself really sick. Maybe then I could actually purge.

I drank several glasses of water, turned on the shower, and stepped in. And for the next 45 minutes I tried everything I could to bring it all up again. Nothing. Nada. No chance in hell. I have only thrown up about 3 times in my entire life. Why is my stomach forged out of iron?! I guzzled shower water, hoping that would make me feel even more nauseated. Tried again, no go. I finally gave up when the shower ran cold, toweled off and dressed in shorts and a tank top, sneered at myself in the mirror.

Fat girl. Potbelly pig. Giant bear. You look like a pregnant woman, and not in a good way.

My eyelids were red from crying. I rubbed lotion all over my face, hoping that at least my skin would look nice.

Fuck it all to hell, I decided. I gorged myself on a plate of grapes. At least those don't have too many calories. Must pretend the box of Frosted Flakes doesn't exist. I don't ever want to touch chocolate nuts ever again, so I don't have to worry about that. Must go buy some ipecac syrup or something. Physical prodding just doesn't work for me. Must not be so weak.

I'll just have to fast for maybe the next 3 days to make up for this. No touching food at all. I will allow myself to drink juice. Vitamin C makes your skin glow. As long as I look radiant, nobody will suspect a thing...

CW: 129 lbs

---(addendum)---

I do believe that the Coke Zero does not agree with my insides, as I had some peculiar trouble with my intestines today. And by peculiar, I mean able-to-go-#2-in-the-shower peculiar. I might have to start drinking 2 cans a day now, if it doubles as a laxative :) Sorry if that was too much information. Watch your intake carefully lest you develop projectile diarrhea.

Willpower

So I've just returned from the Macy's One Day Sale. Hopefully I've burned off a few calories along the way.

Ugh! I can't believe just how big my waist has gotten. These jeans, which I used to slip into gracefully, now squeeze out a ring of flesh above the waistband when I sit down. I also believe that my bra size has increased, from a 32B to a 34B. I bought the 32B's anyway -- more incentive for me to get thinner. I did find a shirt, size small, that seemed magical in its ability to slim me down, as well as a cute and slightly dressy top that was only 6 dollars.

I can't wait until I fit into my favorite jeans again. Size 25, by a certain fashion designer that I will not name because in my circle everybody knows how much I love the brand. Right now I can barely squeeze into them, but when the day comes when I can just easily pull them on... oh, I can only dream of it... :)

I had also intended to go to Border's so I could buy some things -- namely, a book like Wasted or Thin and a journal to use for a thinspiration/food diary. Too bad my mom was being stubborn. I could have easily gone to Border's and back in about 20 minutes, but instead I waited in frustration as she continued to count out coupons and tell me to "just wait a little bit while I sort this out!" Ugh.

I'm supposed to go eat with my mom and aunt just about now, but I managed to skip out by saying that all I really wanted was the chicken soup at home because it was so yummy. So I got dropped off at home, where I smiled happily and started heating up the soup. They left, promising to return in an hour or so to pick me up. We are supposed to go to the Asian supermarket and then to my aunt's house to pick up some craft supplies.

I have made a shopping list:
-Shirataki noodles
-Celery
-Carrots
-Cabbbage
-Onions
-Hot sauce
-Kimchi/Asian pickles
-Coke Zero
-Mustard

I probably won't buy all of them there, since the coke and mustard are cheaper at western markets. But I am formulating a recipe in my head already. It will be a "chicken noodle soup", only made with shirataki (aka fake XD) noodles and chicken bones for the stock. With tons of veggies! Nutritious and very low cal... hopefully. It all depends on whether the noodles are expensive or not, but I suppose I could just make the soup without the noodles. (But it wouldn't be as tasty, there just isn't anything that can beat chicken noodle soup).

I've decided that I want to be at least down to 120 lbs by the end of winter break, which is more or less 3 weeks. So, by January 5th, my goal is to drop 10 pounds. That's one pound every 2 days; shouldn't be too difficult, right? Hopefully I'll be able to hit 120 earlier, so I can set a new goal.

My total intake for today has been the following:
2 gummy vitamins for breakfast - 15 cal
1 Coke Zero for lunch - 0 cal
Lots of water - 0 cal

CW: 130 lbs. Dropped a pound ^.^ but that doesn't mean jack, since there's such a big error on that scale. Someday I'll get a better scale, but I prefer to save money now. I think I will start going by waist/thigh size instead...

As long as I don't touch food, it's quite easy for me to not eat. I must learn to control food intake. I plan on running for an hour tonight, then some crunches, lunges, and push-ups for another hour afterwards. I'm so out of shape, can't even do push-ups properly. Must. Push. Self. Harder!

I also wanted to thank my first commenter for her tips and support. I want to stay fairly quiet here (I have a lot of blogger/internet-addict friends, it would be terrible if anyone found out who I really am) but it is nice to know that someone is reading. Thank you :)

Failure

What?!

Only my second day, and I've failed so badly.

I woke up this morning woozy and weak, unable to stop trembling when I got out of bed. The world darkened and I forced myself to stand and go to the bathroom, so I could brush my teeth. I then poured myself a glass of water and took my vitamins.

My mom then greeted me and fed me not a bowl of broth, but a full bowl of lotus roots and chicken. CHICKEN!! That would bring my calorie count up to 200 already. But what could I do? I ate the whole thing.

Immediately it was like a switch had been flipped. My body demanded more nourishment, so when she offered to refill my bowl I didn't protest. I ate the second bowl. Then I brought out the yogurt I'd been saving and ate that too. And then I began to devour chocolates, one after the other. And then I moved onto chocolate fruit pieces. Then I needed something salty -- ANYTHING SALTY -- and I wolfed down two slices of baloney. I don't even like baloney! And then I ate another yogurt, and some fried vegetables, and now I am munching out of a box of Froot Loops.

I tried to make myself throw up, incredibly ashamed of my disgusting eating. But nothing worked, not one finger, not two, not even using the butt end of a toothbrush. I merely gagged myself to tears, spat up some chocolate-colored saliva, and wrenched my stomach. No vomit.

I am so ashamed.

I can't even last a day! What kind of failed anoretic am I???

In fact, I haven't even gone outdoors today to run. I am far too lazy. I am far too much of a failure. If I run, I shall collapse.

I am a failure.

First Weigh-In

Today was Sunday and I have fasted all day.

It was surprisingly simple. Just don't eat! I should have drank more water than I did, though, but I was driving home. It was a six-hour trip and water was a bit difficult to drink while driving. Oh well, I will simply have to do better next time.

My parents were with me the entire trip, but as they are used to me saying "I'm not that hungry right now" I was able to avoid eating quite easily. It will probably be more difficult as winter break goes on and they wonder why I haven't been eating very much. I am not sure how I will duck out of eating at restaurants, but I will figure out some way.

I also weighed myself, and it is disgusting. You see, I have allowed myself to eat whatever I wished for the past week, guilt-tripping myself the whole way. It was my motivation to really bunker down and start dieting. It made me look forward to the start of my adventure. So, I was only mildly surprised when the scale registered 125 pounds. The scale is off a bit, so I must add 6 pounds to that number, bringing my current weight up to 131 lbs.

I downloaded My Weight Loss Coach for the DS as well. I am ignoring the useless tips. I only want it so I can easily track my weight loss, calories in, and calories out. The little stick figure in the game tells me to maintain my healthy BMI of 20.2. Hah! I can't wait for it to dip under 20!

So, I've decided to start a 2468 diet. Tomorrow I will be eating 200 calories or less. I have so far planned two gummy vitamins for breakfast (15 calories), 1 cup of homemade chicken broth for lunch (85 cal/cup, unavoidable since my mom is insisting that I try it), and 1/2 a frozen Yoplait Light (50 cal) for dinner, if I can avoid eating anything else during the day. That leaves me with 150 cal total for the day and a 50 cal safety, and if I don't feel that I can last I will eat the other 1/2 cup of yogurt.

Let's see how this will work out.

Current Weight: 131 lbs

High Weight: 136 lbs

Low Weight: 119 lbs

Goal Weight: 118 lbs

Current BMI: 20.2

First Day

It is late and I am starting this blog to document a journey I intend to pursue.

Who am I? I will not give out my real name, obviously. I will not even use my normal internet alias, which is well-known among my friends. I doubt any of them will find it though -- I intend to keep this a secret, my very own secret that nobody will ever find.

I am fat. I used to be quite thin, actually; even I will admit that. But then I went to college, where all of a sudden eating seemed to be the all encompassing passion of life. Everywhere, every hour of the day, there was an invitation to eat. I was a broke and a loser in high school. The few people that wanted to take me out stopped after realizing I could never pay for any of my meals. So, it was easy for me to eat normal amounts of food. And then, all of a sudden, I was thrust into a community where I was no longer the outcast and I was invited to eat as many times as I wanted in the all-you-can-eat dining hall, several times a day since I had an unlimited meal plan.

I began to gain weight steadily. I had always been touted as "naturally thin" and in possession of a "great metabolism." The truth is, though, that I simply eat a lot in front of people, but eschew food otherwise. People saw me eat anything and everything and simply assumed I was a voracious consumer. It made me feel incredible! Here I was, in possession of a natural talent that few people had: the ability to stay thin no matter how much I ate.

Now I know it isn't true. I simply thought so because everybody else thought so. Now that I look back, I simply did not eat most of the time. I have about a normal a metabolism as any other 19 year old girl in this country. And so, I cannot continue with my current habits.

I am fat. This must be cured.

There is only one way out that I can see. Return to my old ways, and perhaps even greater to become the weight I have always wanted to be. Perhaps even lower than that, to a weight that I never dreamed I'd be. But it will happen. This is even an appropriate time of year to start. It is almost New Year's -- it shall be my resolution for next year, and for the rest of the years of my life beyond that.

I will be thin and beautiful. Tall, thin, graceful, beautiful. Slim and pretty as a long-stemmed rose. Fading to nothingness. Absolutely invincible.