I was so proud of myself this morning, after having fasted all day yesterday. The scale stopped at 120 lbs and I couldn't believe it. Then it veered up slightly to 122 lbs. Still happy. Add 6 pounds onto that, which means I had dropped anywhere from 2-4 pounds in 24 hours.
I woke up very late and decided I would have 1 meal at 6 PM, a bowl of veggie soup. The chicken soup I had intended to make failed miserably due to a row I got in with my mom. Needless to say that fight left me very depressed, with my self-esteem at an all time low. I slept at 4 AM, hence why I woke up so late. Now I digress, so back to the soup. It was very plain and not cooked enough, but I needed to eat something so as to not arouse suspicion.
A few hours later I had a serious craving for Froot Loops. I read the nutrition facts carefully. 110 calories for 1 cup. I could live with that. I carefully measured out a single cup, carried it back to my room. Picked up a piece, ate it in 3 bites. Picked up the next piece, ate it just as slowly. Continue until gone.
And then, once more, I couldn't help myself. I calmly got up and took the entire box of Froot Loops and quietly ate through it all. Then I returned to the kitchen, picked up a can of peanuts, and opened it to find not peanuts but chocolate-covered almonds. I ate half of that, not even tasting it. Then back to the kitchen, picking up two lu dan (a type of boiled egg, Chinese style) from a pot of them that my mom had cooked and shoved them into my mouth. I was already full from the Froot Loops, but I wanted to make myself really sick. Maybe then I could actually purge.
I drank several glasses of water, turned on the shower, and stepped in. And for the next 45 minutes I tried everything I could to bring it all up again. Nothing. Nada. No chance in hell. I have only thrown up about 3 times in my entire life. Why is my stomach forged out of iron?! I guzzled shower water, hoping that would make me feel even more nauseated. Tried again, no go. I finally gave up when the shower ran cold, toweled off and dressed in shorts and a tank top, sneered at myself in the mirror.
Fat girl. Potbelly pig. Giant bear. You look like a pregnant woman, and not in a good way.
My eyelids were red from crying. I rubbed lotion all over my face, hoping that at least my skin would look nice.
Fuck it all to hell, I decided. I gorged myself on a plate of grapes. At least those don't have too many calories. Must pretend the box of Frosted Flakes doesn't exist. I don't ever want to touch chocolate nuts ever again, so I don't have to worry about that. Must go buy some ipecac syrup or something. Physical prodding just doesn't work for me. Must not be so weak.
I'll just have to fast for maybe the next 3 days to make up for this. No touching food at all. I will allow myself to drink juice. Vitamin C makes your skin glow. As long as I look radiant, nobody will suspect a thing...
CW: 129 lbs
---(addendum)---
I do believe that the Coke Zero does not agree with my insides, as I had some peculiar trouble with my intestines today. And by peculiar, I mean able-to-go-#2-in-the-shower peculiar. I might have to start drinking 2 cans a day now, if it doubles as a laxative :) Sorry if that was too much information. Watch your intake carefully lest you develop projectile diarrhea.
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